Friday, 30 January 2009

Unsettling things about settling down

Marriage is suppose to be one of the most awaited event in someone’s life .I agree it need some planning, preparation and discussions. I don’t blame parents to be concerned about the marriage of their children, but there has to be a line, a limit of pushing beyond certain threshold and some scope of open communication. This is especially true in case of girls.

When a girl reaches a certain age, everyone in the house, neighborhood and relations make match-making their business. All the actions are scrutinized keeping one aim in mind ‘marriage’.

If she gets into a good B school or job, people will say ‘now she would get good offers from well educated guys’.

Even today people don’t understand that a girl doesn’t study to get a decent match, she studies so that she can learn , judge , opt , work , earn and be independent, just like a guy. One of my friends was enthusiastic about the certification she is planning to get through by the year end. Her very ambitious brother in law didn’t even let her complete the sentence and remarked ‘your plan now should be to settle down’.

Some people try to project themselves as modern parents by openly announcing,’ we don’t mind her choosing her own partner as long as he is of our religion (cast, region), well educated, from a good family and having a steady (well paid) job”. So much for freedom!!

Daily I hear one or the other friend of mine struggling to convince her parents simple things like ‘ I am just not ready’ or ‘ It ain’t working for me’.

Another friend is fed up of talking to guys and every time she has to device a new excuse to tell ‘This is not the guy I’ll be like to share rest of my life’. I hate the trauma she goes through every time a new guy comes into picture .same questions, same apprehensions, same tamasha and same result. Now parents have zeroed down two guys and she has to pick one.What a choice...She said ‘I do rather do heads and tails and pick anyone because I like none’. But her parents are not listening.

One of my very good friends has left India and is definitely not coming back. Whenever her parents talk about marriage she simply hangs the phone.

All of these girls are good looking in their mid 20’s or late 20’s , single and open to love , and not ready to marry unless they are in love and 100 percent ready to spend their lives with the guy . They won’t marry if their parents won’t approve, but they won’t just marry to anyone their parents will choose.

I don’t know when people will accept that things are changing now and girls are not just a responsibility that you have to hand over to someone else and get tension free. And a girl has every right to say no for marriage if ‘ she don’t feel like kissing the guy’ ..:-)

40 comments:

Jinxed Pixie said...

that's how india is...not that i m justifying it....it's really sad...you know there's this book by swati kaushal called a piece of cake where the girl says i'd rather play russian roullette, atleast the odds of surviving were better...the same's applicable here too...
:(

Latin Sardar said...

It's not just the girls. I'm having a tough time with my folks, esp my mom. If things don't improve, I'm taking off to my own place.

Onthewingsofadream said...

pixie... i have read that book ..and i rally loved that girl ..its too difficult sometimes ...

latin -i know what u mean .. once u have job , and u just start to enjoy life , they are hellbent to marry you ...:-) good luck ..

seher's shenanigans said...

i think it is the eastern touch to our culture and tradition.
a girl is born to be with a man, first h er father, then her brother then a husband and then a son... she cannot ever be alone because that way some other father brother husband and son will eye her in the wrongh way...
though i still would wanna pick my husband!

Onthewingsofadream said...

true ...

it is more in east but even west , north and south are not untouched , so much so that even women dont feel complete without having a husband and kids ...i dont say girls should not marry , but there are other things in life that have their place too ...marriage is also one of them ...

and I hate when people put deadlines ..like u have to get married by so and so age , then have kids by so and so age ... Its better to meet the person u love at 35 then just be with anyone at 25 ..

Praveen said...

times have changed, society has changed...but there are some things that never change..and this is one of them- the attitude of the society towards woman. the day a girl is born, her parents dream about her marriage day, as if its the be all and end all of her existence...
maybe 50 years from now, this may change..just a hope..

sydney said...

Excellent post. I understand the parents' perspective and worry for their children, but sometimes - it all just goes overboard. The children have to keep sane no matter what, and if necessary - let things in one ear - and out the other :-)

Vijayshryaln said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vijayshryaln said...

Bravo!!! apt post for u i guess..... Let U get rid of dese comedies...... else wanna get a Non-kiss material?? lolzz:)

Onthewingsofadream said...

vijay!!

i never said its for me ... i m not one of the victims thankfully ...i always choose my own way and only kiss when i m in love ...its about my friends n most of the girls i know ...its sad tht their parents are not as undrstanding as mine and they not so vocal about their feelings ...

Onthewingsofadream said...

sydney! yeah parents just want to be too right about everything ...

praveen ..may be ...may be all of us who talk and think about this wont let the same things happen when we become parents

Vijayshryaln said...

tats sad of dem.......... n happyieee for ya.....;D

Onthewingsofadream said...

:-D..

Abdul Sami said...

the whole desi picture and concept of marriage sucks big time !!!

VJ Sophie said...

I agree with sydney about parents' perspective and worry for their children, I think the kid, either way, needs to have the balls to stick up for themselves and do what they feel is right.

moi said...

quite true and i guess society doesn't wanna change

Biju Mathews said...

And you think men escape this torture?

You wrote, "Its better to meet the person you love at 35 than just be with anyone at 25 .."

Three points to contradict:

1: The whole purpose of marriage is to have a family of your own. At the age of 35, who will you find?

2: After 35, complications in child bearing increase by almost 80%

2: Suppose you marry at the age of 35 and suppose you have a kid at 36. By the time your kid is 20 years old. You will be 56 and think about a) too old to take care b) communication gaps

Now something to point out (not dishearten): Do all beings who have the perfect face and body (as you say to kiss)have a perfect soul? Trust me, living with a non-compatible person is like living with a corpse. Love before marriage is just a myth, its just your biological juices reacting for want of sex and children. Love is the sober feeling of companionship. Do you hate yourself when you view yourself in the mirror? A partner who doesn't have the face which begs to be kissed will become part of YOU after marriage; his smell your smell and it won't then matter anymore!! These are just my views. Keep blogging!!

aZoed said...

... I can so much identify with you... and i am just the brother of one such poor girl... who thinks, I'm the cause of all her troubles...

Onthewingsofadream said...

sami : yeah ! it does ..

sophie: it gets tough when u are living with parents ... u hav to hear it day in and day out .

moi :- they want or not ..it has to change ..

Onthewingsofadream said...

BIju,

1 . here I am questioning the whole purpose of marriage ... havign kids and family is important but more important to have a soul mate ..not just any sperm donor who help you getting pregnant and provide food and shelter ..period .

2. Adopt a kid if medical reasons are there ...

3.my 50+ year old parents are more broad minded than many people of my age ... and generation gap is there every 10 years ...so u have a kid at 26 5-6 years + its okie ..

again u misunderstood me for kissing part ... the guys parents show are quite good looking ..but if thats not the one u feel like kissing ...then ???? by kiss i meant that u actually love the person and want to be with him/ her than just doing something mechanical because it should be done !!

Onthewingsofadream said...

Azoed!

sad that ur sis has to go through all this .. talk with her and help her air her opinions. talk to parents n try make them understand ..she will appreciate it more than anything u can do in her life ..

Iya said...

I completely agree… I don’t believe in marriage without love…

Biju Mathews said...

I agree that a soul mate is nice to have but how many can be so lucky? Life is no movie which when told will end in 2 hours. The reality is much different. I got divorced when 30 and now 6 years later I'm still afraid of marriage and in sharing my heart. I'm looking for a "soul mate" as you say. Now at 36, I'm either too old or a villian (a.k.a divorced). I've very limited choices since unmarried girls would never marry me and divorced girls are too less to choose from, right? I tried adopting a kid but they don't allow it for single parents. So in short my future is almost in the dumps with the precious time running out. I can question "the whole purpose of marraige" but I know that I would sound like the hypocrite fox and his tale of the sour grapes. I just know that I cannot live alone ALL my life as I know that soon my parents will be no more and I'll be a loner, left high and dry on the rock, with the occasional splash of the waves visiting my sorry life. It's just my view. God Bless!

And keep blogging!!

Charmed One! said...

very rightly said...

at times i feel being born in an Indian family as a girl has got a quite a few bad aspects.. specially when it comes to the wedding part ... most of the girls are hardly given choices or are made to just look at the guy and decide in an hours time ...
In some very traditional families, girls aren even asked if they are ok with it... only the guys opinion matter...

yeah nowadays looks like education is meant for gals only for the prospect of good guys..

N i jus loved your last line :) ..

"a girl has every right to say no for marriage if ‘ she don’t feel like kissing the guy’"

good one :) ...

Shweta Rao said...

i agree with you fully, sincere thoughts written well!
you are right, once a girl/boy is of a certain age - poop, marriage market open for you! i wud've been happy if u wud've added the horoscope business! my gosh! there are some who wont blindly go for any match suggested. but there are those believers in bet, for them, even now, astrologers decide when the match matches!!! imagine, u agree for a dude of ur parents choice n a smart for his own a*** pandit spoils it all by saying 'sorry boss, girls too strong' or 'sorry, boy will be the weaker one so match wont work'!!! wats madness and more madness? Great, big, fat, Indian Wedding!

Ah, did we miss out on the dowry part?

Entertainer said...

"We still live in a world in which a significant fraction of people, including women, believe that a woman belongs and wants to belong exclusively in the home."
—Rosalyn Sussman

Jinxed Pixie said...

so finally kiran karnik is taking over satyam...how are feelin right now, ma'am???

Twisted Elegance.... said...

That was such a good post. This society needs to understand that woman can make their own decisions.

Onthewingsofadream said...

@ charmed one .... I know how hard it is ..even if ur parents want to understand you , the people around wont let them ..

# Shweta ....
how could I forget that ...horoscope bizness ...it sucks big time ... and its amazing how educated people fall for it like stupid fools ...i am quite fond of astrology and horoscope thing , but its just fascination not a following ...

thanks for bringing it up ... i might write on the horoscope thing in future ..

@entertainer : - yeah sadly its true .. i know mnay women wh chose to stay at home and dish for a rich husband ...just for the sake of comfort ... boring yet safe ...their choice nothing against it .

@ Jinxed pixie :- yeah things are getting better now ..i am happy , we got our salary and i did my bit of shopping ..:-)

@ twisted elegance :- irony is even women dont believe in it ..


thanks all for your comments ..i have been away from blog last week and need to catch up on all your posts ...

Daanish said...

"Marriage is suppose to be one of the most awaited event in someone’s life .I agree it need some planning, preparation and discussions.............."

surely,but marriage is also a part of LIFE,so it comes with life's vulnerabilities.

Scribblers Inc said...

did someone say Marriage? I wonder where I have heard that one before...hmmmn...none of my business anyways I guess... :P

Scribblers Inc.

Wolfy said...

Yeah I am getting aware of these problems nowdays.. I am a guy.. but yeah the girls in our friends circle have started getting all this from their parents.. with varying degrees..

Just 2 of the girls who joined up the army with us guys.. are happy cause they are not allowed to marry till 25.. but i guess their parents will started the same the moment they turn 25.. I dnt know.. study to get settled..and when u do that.. and start off.. there's this thing marry off... why >??

Rakesh said...

Yup, Marriage is a great institution! But nowadays, who wants to live in an institution?

Thanks for dropping :)

Rakesh said...

Dropping by, I mean :P

Rahul said...

hey...nice post...right from the heart..this is wat I call life !! :)
Have a good day. Am delighted to be adding you as a friend.

Vijayshryaln said...

Damn good Display pic frnd...

Som said...

I really loved this paragraph, kind of hit the nail on the head:

Some people try to project themselves as modern parents by openly announcing,’ we don’t mind her choosing her own partner as long as he is of our religion (cast, region), well educated, from a good family and having a steady (well paid) job”. So much for freedom!!

The situation is primarily due to "Male Chauvinism" ...

workhard said...

Its funny cause the other day i was reading a blog and we were discussing how people actually make their resumes for marraige..
That is weird...

Poetry directory

state of mind? said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
state of mind? said...

can associate with every bit of ur post....coz m that marriagable age n trying to resent hard... :)

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